Triumphs of the Toppler, Vol 4: The Hyena's Legacy
''Previously on Triumphs of the Toppler….''
* ''JC-The-Hyena sent the Toppler and his best friend Dave, the stuffed giraffe, on a dimension-hopping gauntlet of not-doom.''
* ''The Toppler beat up and killed JC.''
* ''He and Dave got back to the real world, but then President Jacob Sherwood contacted him.''
Luna vs The Toppler
“What is it, Mr President?” asked the Toppler to Jacob over Skype.
“We have reason to believe that JC-The-Hyena is finally putting his plan to subjugate the internet using Sonic.exe,” said the President grimly.
“But how can that be?” cried Dave. “He's been brutally killed!”
“He's pulled a Moriarty,” muttered Jacob.
“Wait, how do you know that JC’s dead?” asked the Toppler.
“I'll explain later. Now, to stop him,” continued the President, “you need to go back to the hell dimension. There, you'll find the master computer. You'll need to destroy it to stop the sonic.exe vorus from spreading.”
“How do you kn-” asked Dave
“I'll explain later!” yelled the president. “Just do the mission already!”
So, off went Dave and the Toppler. They hadn't even made it to the front door before they had to stop, because Postman Plot had showed up with a bluetooth for the Toppler, with a note from Toby, President Sherwood’s second banana. “Jacob forgot to send these, so I had to do it instead,” read the note. “PS. The portal to the hell dimension is on the moon.”
So, Dave jumped into the Toppler's pocket, and the Toppler jumped to the moon. Lo and behold, there was the portal. Suddenly, 3 figures jumped out from behind a rock. It was zombie versions of Eyeless Jack and Hobo Heart, as well as a shadowy figure in the shape of a little girl. “I swear to God, if that's Sally-” started Dave, before he stopped as he realised it was not actually Sally. It was some random little girl who nobody had ever heard of. But, for the sake of plot, it was Luna, some little girl who kills people by singing or something. Zombie EJ and Zombie HH charged at the Toppler, before both getting simultaneously clotheslined by the latter.
“I probably should've come up with a better plan of attack,” said Luna. “JC’s gonna kill me now.”
Zombie EJ and Zombie HH stopped dead in their tracks. “Wait,” said Zombie EJ, “you work for JC-The-Hyena?”
“Get her!” yelled Zombie HH, and thus Dave, the Toppler, and the 2 zombies went and beat up Luna. And yes, she melted. Yes. And then the Toppler kicked the zombies into the sun, and everything was lovely once again. Except wait, it wasn't, they still had to stop JC-The-Moriarty. So, into the hell dimension they went.
The 7 Guardians vs The Toppler
The Toppler and Dave came out of the portal and landed in the hell dimension, which seemed to have much less anime in it. There, they were greeted by 7 dark figures, who were just standing there, not really doing much. The Toppler and Dave started to walk around then, as the 7 figures didn't seem to pose any threat (though one of them was wearing a rather nice hat that Dave regretted not taking). Suddenly, the middle figure spoke. “Who dares intrude on the hell dimension?” he boomed.
“Why are you only confronting us now?” asked the Toppler. “We've been here before!”
The figure ignored him. “Well, we should introduce ourselves before we destroy. It's only polite.” He then proceeded to name all of the figures- the one with the nice hat was Kofuku, the happiness guardian. There was a fat one, Yukobu, the desire guardian. There was one who's head was on fire-Gekido, the rage guardian. The one who looked exactly like the Tumblr logo was apparently Aishu (“Bless you,” said Dave), the sorrow guardian. One of them, on the far left, was constantly wetting himself. This was Kyofu, the fear guardian. The one standing next to the centre guardian, who looked like a punchbag, was Kirai, the hatred guardian. And the central guardian, who was dressed like the pope, was Kito, the prayer guardian. (One of these things is not like the other.) “We,” concluded Kito, “are the 7 guardians. All quake in terror at our passing.”
“Somehow,” added Yukobu, “since we haven’t actually done anything ever.”
“I think we’ve just stood here our entire lives,” said Kofuku.
“Silence!” yelled Gekido. “You’re making us look bad!”
“Thank you!” said Kito.
“I think that JC only created us to seem cool,” sobbed Aishu, suddenly realising the futility of his existence. Suddenly, Kirai leapt at the Toppler like Sheev, since they might as well beat up these intruders, but the Toppler simply grabbed him and tore him in half. Sand went everywhere, and, in another universe entirely, Anakin Skywalker suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortable. Dave went after Kofuku, because he wanted his hat. Since Kofuku was incredibly unexperienced in combat, he ended up getting torn to shreds by a stuffed giraffe. Dave took his hat and, somehow, it fit. Meanwhile, Aishu had become incredibly distracted, and started watching Supernatural whilst monologuing about his flaws instead of doing something out of them. Before he could change the subject to Destiel, the Toppler (thank goodness) picked up the top half of Kirai and bashed Aishu’s depression-glorifying head in with it. Yukobu had a heart attack before he could do anything. His last thoughts were, I shouldn’t have eaten that 278th sausage roll. Meanwhile, Gekido was headbutting the Toppler with all his might in an attempt to, at the very least, give the Toppler a nasty burn. Unfortunately, he broke his skull on the Toppler’s rippling biceps, since nobody singes the Toppler! Dave sneaked up behind Kyofu, and yelled “Boo!” Kyofu immediately died of fright. The last one standing was Kito, who hadn’t actually done anything. So the Toppler chucked him into a nearby lava pit.
“That was less hassle than I thought it would be,” said Dave, as he dusted his hat. The 2 made their way to JC’s now abandoned laptop, and opened it to find it. Suddenly, they were sucked into the videos folder as time started feeling a bit odd.
Squidward vs The Toppler
The Toppler and Dave landed in Bikini Bottom. Neither of them drowned because Dave is a stuffed giraffe and the Toppler is, well, the Toppler. After the 2 of them nipped down to the Krusty Krab for lunch, they suddenly found themselves being carried off to a clarinet recital by a bubble transition. Long story short, it wasn’t that good. The audience began booing with malice and hyper-realism in their eyes. The Toppler too had hyper-realistic eyes, though that was more to do with the fact that he was still in live action. The person (squid?) performing the recital, Squidward tentacles, started crying, and then recognised the Toppler. It seemed as if Squidward worked for the deceased JC, as he chucked his clarinet at the Toppler, which suddenly had a knife in place of the reed. The Toppler caught the death clarinet in his mouth and swallowed it whole, since nobody impales the Toppler upon a clarinet! He and Dave gave chase, leading them to a gigantic Easter Island head. Suddenly, stone arms popped out of the ground nearby and smashed down upon the Toppler. They hands on the arms immediately crumbled after smashing down on his rippling biceps. The Toppler grabbed a nearby rock and was about to chuck it at the Easter Island head when he realised that somebody was living under it and carefully put it back. He instead ripped the arms out of the ground and ate them. “We’ve just had lunch!” cried Dave. The 2 then rushed into the house, where they found Squidward, clutching a shotgun.
He had hyper-realistic eyes, and he cried, “You’ll never take me alive!” Suddenly, before anything else could happen, an incredibly graphic image of a dead child flashed in everyone’s eyes. They all took a moment to barf. Squidward then placed the shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Hyper-realistic gore went ever and everyone took another moment to barf once more. And then the world became pixelating, and the Toppler and Dave felt the world shifting. They found themselves in a green, hill-ish area, when they suddenly noticed a figure stumbling towards them.
Sally.exe vs The Toppler
Dave and the Toppler looked onwards at that oncoming figure. Suddenly, said figure bumped into a tree and fell over, allowing the Toppler and Dave to get a good look at them. It was Sally Acorn, except, in a poor attempt to make herself look scary, her eyes had been sewn up. Suddenly, she stood up. “Alright, put ‘em up, you 2!” she yelled, getting into a boxing stance.
“Er… we’re standing behind you,” said the Toppler, awkwardly.
“I knew that,” said Sally quickly, spinning around like a ballerina whilst still in a boxing stance. The Toppler sighed and started walking up to Sally. Suddenly, tentacles emerged from her mouth and ensnared the Toppler and Dave. They seemed to be covered in hedgehog slobber and had no real reason for being. The Toppler suddenly fell out of the tentacles’ grip, since nobody ensnares the Toppler! However, Dave was still trapped in sally’s tentacles. Using his initiative, the Toppler grabbed hold of a nearby tentacle and gave it a yank. However, he pulled too hard and the tentacles came out of Sally’s mouth, along with all of her internal organs. It was incredibly disgusting. Everybody barfed. Again. And with that, Sally was dead. It looked like the final file was in reach, as the world once again became clear and 3-dimensional (though the characters did not). They looked around and found themselves surrounded by theme park rides.
“Ew!” cried Dave. “I stepped in a dodgem track!” Suddenly, before they could clear up the theme park rides that littered the place, they heard an odd chugging sound, and wheeled around.
Railrunner vs The Toppler
The Toppler and Dave wheeled round to see a - oh sorry, I meant the red rollercoaster, coming towards them. This was Railrunner, a rollercoaster that was turned into a human and then somehow forgot he was a rollercoaster. Then he turned back into a rollercoaster and they had the audacity to make people pay $27 to read it. But, anyway, Railrunner charged at the Toppler, and his weird looking girlfriend was sitting in the front cart. The Toppler and Dave jumped over him, accidentally kicking the girlfriend’s head off. Suddenly, as Railrunner continued charging onwards, plowing through a nearby ice cream cart, a bumper car and a carousel horse began running at him. Their respective names were Static and Merrylegs (don’t laugh, they’re warrior names). The Toppler jumped into Static’s driving seat and proceeded to drive him into Merrylegs, destroying the 2 of them in the ensuing crash. Then another rollercoaster, Thunderbark, charged at the Toppler, attempting to run him over. He proceeded to crash into the Toppler, smashing his face in in the process, since nobody runs over the Toppler! Railrunner, the last opponent standing, was coming back for more, his face covered in anger and magnums. At the last moment, the Toppler stepped on Railrunner’s face (yes, rollercoasters have faces now), causing him to flip over and suffer severe “brain” damage, killing him. They finally discovered the subjugation.exe file under the nearby ice cream cart. The Toppler ripped it in half, seemingly destroying it.
Meanwhile, next to the houses of Parliament, the residence of President Sherwood, his second banana, Toby, and the other guy, Matt, a man who was employed by JC-The-Hyena for a very special mission was standing outside the window armed with a blowpipe. He had been standing there for the past 4 years, and kept himself entertained by reading the back catalogue of Mad. He had managed to remain nourished by the infinite beans on toast that JC had given him. Suddenly, the headset that might as well have been glued to him at this point emitted a beep, indicating that it was finally time for him to complete his mission. Toby, who had been standing by the window, was suddenly hit in the net by a dart fired by the man, who quickly legged it and went to go get laid, since he’d been standing on a rooftop for the past 4 years. Toby’s body bean to change. He became rectangular and orange, though there was something yellow running down his front. A pair of bat wings sprouted from his back, and his teeth became pointed, like a wolf’s.
Toby had become the Toffee Crisp Vampire.
Sonic.exe vs The Toppler/Round 2
The Toppler and Dave sat in the amusement park, pondering what to do as the destroyed folder lay behind them. Suddenly, a large blue ball (oo-er) jumped out of the folder’s remains and landed in front of them. It was Sonic.exe. And he was bloody massive. “But how?” cried Dave. “We killed you!”
“I am not the original,” replied X. “I am, in fact, the new and improved Sonic.exe! And I am finally-”
“Why are you wearing a kilt?” inquired the Toppler.
“Why are you wearing a jockstrap?” retorted X. The Toppler quickly shut up.
Meanwhile, in Parliament, chaos reigned. Lasers and Toffee Crisp bars flew everywhere as the Toffee Crisp Vampire flew around, firing its laser eyes wildly. Suddenly, Logan walked in and opened the window, before quickly running away from a random mummy that was pursuing him. The Toffee Crisp Vampire flew out of the window and then vanished. “Hey Matt,” called Jacob. “Do you want to be my new second banana?”
Back in the amusement park, the Toppler was, of course, holding his own, though X kept flashing him because he was wearing a kilt. Suddenly, there was a brown flash (“Not very aesthetically pleasing,” muttered Dave) and the Toffee Crisp Vampire appeared, still firing wildly. After turning various teacup rides into Toffee Crisp bars, the beast turned its attention to the Toppler, Dave, and X. It shot at Dave, who ducked, though the hat he had stolen from the 7 Guardians was hit. As it prepared to fire at the Toppler, the Toppler grabbed X and pulled him into the path of the blast. Suddenly, there was a very large Toffee Crisp on the floor where X once stood. It was over. The Toffee Crisp Vampire suddenly turned back into Toby, since the formula JC had used wore off very quickly. Meanwhile, back in the real world, the man who’d shot the blow dart into Toby hung himself in frustration. The Toppler quickly grabbed Toby and Dave and lept out of the computer as the theme park crumbled around them when the computer shut down around them. After leaving the hell dimension, stepping over the 7 guardians as they did so, they dropped Toby off at Parliament, where he was docked a week’s pay for trashing the place and turning Gemma’s laptop into a Toffee Crisp.
Finally, all was well. JC-The-Hyena was dead, his posthumous revenge had been stopped, and the Toppler and Dave managed to pinch a ton of free candy floss from the amusement park.